The BEST Breakfast Spread That's Not On Your Table

I wrote an adapted version of this article for Dawn earlier in the summer, when the heat was relentless and respite was nowhere in sight. Now, thanks to the lovely Lahori monsoon — God, I love that heady scent of the rain hitting the soil — things are cooling down and the idea of starting the day with a warm slice of crusty bread is calling out to me like a forlorn lover. And what will I be topping my choice of carbs with, you obviously don’t ask? Only the BEST breakfast spread of all time!

Intrigued?

Thought so.

Read on.

Not to sound like a dinosaur, but I miss the good old days when Ramzan would roll around in the cool, crisp winter and we’d wake in the middle of the night shivering, the tips of our noses frozen numb. Those were simpler times of racing my brother and sister to the lounge, hoping to claim the toastiest spot in front of the enormous gas heater. Those were the magical years of sitting down, still sleepy-eyed, on a colorful dastarkhwan laid out with a sehri-time feast.

Of course, now, thanks to record-breaking heat, I have no such notions. 

I mean, is it just me or is consuming anything more than a dry piece of toast and gallons of water at a pre-dawn meal actually a very real struggle? Plus, with the holy month coming to a close soon and temperatures still soaring, I’m guessing the prospect of breakfast isn’t going to inspire much enthusiasm either. 

Thank God, my grandmother taught me well and I’ve finally got a fix for all those early morning woes. 

See, on those chilly nights, while we all sat cross-legged on the floor, crowding around bal-wala parathas, and spicy desi-style scrambled eggs studded with soft tomatoes, sweet onions, cumin, and plenty of green chilis, and leftover saalan and daal, and sticky-sweet french toast, Nano’s pre-Roza ritual defied all the norms of stuffing oneself silly. 

She would quietly spend a few minutes pretending to nibble on the stodgy fare and then, sure as the rising sun, she’d abandon ship for her standard bowl of fresh unsweetened yogurt.

I found her minimalist choice earth-shatteringly boring! 

Why would you eat a bowl of bland white goo when ghee-shakkar and makhni roti were up for grabs? Really, why?

Well, now that I’m older and smarter and have serious acid reflux issues, I’ll tell you why. 

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The Trump Card: Pakistan Gets Real About The Donald

American Flag Bald Eagle Image Credit: http://guff.com/20-bald-eagles-who-love-america

UPDATE November 9, 2016: Fittay moo, America!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a bigoted billionaire with terrible hair ran for president. He was arrogant, he was brash, and, amongst racists and right-wingers, he was all the rage.

At the same time, in another land, a land not so far way, a land far superior in its grace and piety, where molestation was a myth, and God’s wrath was predicted by fashion, and actors doubled as the moral police, the powers that be tut-tutted.

"Only in America," they sighed. 

And so they sat down to do what they did best; pen a heartfelt white-paper to this lost nation.

“ Dear Infidels,

Hello from the other side. We must have called a thousand times. To you tell that, under normal circumstances, we'd laugh at that circus you're running on your side of the pond, say lakh laanat, and be on our way, but not this time. This time, you've got us worried. Hello? Presidential election? That clown you’re actually calling your Republican nominee? Dekho, sachi baat hai, it's not like we're affected by your politics or anything, but have you ever asked yourself, log kya kahein gay?

Or have you forgotten those eight glorious years of Bush buffoonery? 

Khair, we're not going to be petty and dig up dirt from the past — some secrets will go with us to the Abu-Grave — but, really, at this point we think chaddi buddies like us owe each other complete honesty. 

It's worked so well all those other times. You know, like after 9/11 when we flipped you the bird and refused to be sucked in that War on Terror debacle.

Chalo, mitti pao, everyone makes mistakes. You more than others, but who's counting, right? Good news is, there’s still time to do the right thing, gentlemen. The exact same thing we would do if we were in your place (not that that would ever happen). Just take ownership of your bumbling behavior and be ready to make some big changes. 

Or find a General who's up to the task. 

LOL, just kidding. Military interventions are soooo 1997.

All you really need a nudge in the right direction. Perhaps, a vision. Maybe even a game-plan. Or, like, maybe, you just need us…and our unsolicited words of wisdom.

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The LAHORE EAT Survival Guide: 12 Genius Tips For Braving The City's Biggest Food Festival

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, the biggest, craziest, most fantastical food festival this city has ever seen is set to kick off in 10 days! The Lahore Eat Food Festival is the highly anticipated off-shoot of Karachi Eat, a much hyped and wildly popular three-day event showcasing the city's finest in food and dining. And for the past three years, it's had Karachiites raving about the fun, casual atmosphere and how awesome it is to have Karachi's most popular eateries all in one place. 

I feel you, Karachi. Who doesn’t want to spend a weekend soaking up the sun and snacking up a storm?

Now, FINALLY, shukaralhamdulilah, us khaata-peeta Lahoris are about to get a taste of what's kept Karachi captivated.

Just one the thing, though. If you’ve ever attended a large-scale festival you probably know that things can get kinda crazy if you’re not prepped before the party gets going. Fortunately for you guys, Hunger & Haw Hai’s slapped together some genius tips and tricks for braving the city’s hottest food festival and having some serious pee-in-your-pants fun while you’re there. 

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Why 2016 Is The Year Of No Regrets + Roasted Beet, Orange, & Shaved Onion Salad

So now that we're all comfortably into the new year, I have a question. Do you guys do New Year’s resolutions? Personally, even though I’ve played with the idea in past, I’ve always remained a little iffy about self-improvement schemes. Last year, though? Total game-changer. Very pregnant and very determined to avoid another round of postpartum depression, I silently made a vow — no more perfectionism. No more obsessing over inane details. No more “everything needs to be just right or my entire existence is worth pigeon poop”. 

Do you have any idea what decades of that drama does to you? It turns you into an A-grade indecisive procrastinator, paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. So, I was going to try and spend less time stressing, more time getting things done, and be a little kinder to myself when shit happened.  

Long story short: nailed it. 

You guys! I think I might actually be adulting!

Khair, now, obviously, I’m all gung-ho about this whole goal-oriented personal-growth thing, so I’ve kicked the year off with another oath...

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