The Trump Card: Pakistan Gets Real About The Donald

American Flag Bald Eagle Image Credit: http://guff.com/20-bald-eagles-who-love-america

UPDATE November 9, 2016: Fittay moo, America!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a bigoted billionaire with terrible hair ran for president. He was arrogant, he was brash, and, amongst racists and right-wingers, he was all the rage.

At the same time, in another land, a land not so far way, a land far superior in its grace and piety, where molestation was a myth, and God’s wrath was predicted by fashion, and actors doubled as the moral police, the powers that be tut-tutted.

"Only in America," they sighed. 

And so they sat down to do what they did best; pen a heartfelt white-paper to this lost nation.

“ Dear Infidels,

Hello from the other side. We must have called a thousand times. To you tell that, under normal circumstances, we'd laugh at that circus you're running on your side of the pond, say lakh laanat, and be on our way, but not this time. This time, you've got us worried. Hello? Presidential election? That clown you’re actually calling your Republican nominee? Dekho, sachi baat hai, it's not like we're affected by your politics or anything, but have you ever asked yourself, log kya kahein gay?

Or have you forgotten those eight glorious years of Bush buffoonery? 

Khair, we're not going to be petty and dig up dirt from the past — some secrets will go with us to the Abu-Grave — but, really, at this point we think chaddi buddies like us owe each other complete honesty. 

It's worked so well all those other times. You know, like after 9/11 when we flipped you the bird and refused to be sucked in that War on Terror debacle.

Chalo, mitti pao, everyone makes mistakes. You more than others, but who's counting, right? Good news is, there’s still time to do the right thing, gentlemen. The exact same thing we would do if we were in your place (not that that would ever happen). Just take ownership of your bumbling behavior and be ready to make some big changes. 

Or find a General who's up to the task. 

LOL, just kidding. Military interventions are soooo 1997.

All you really need a nudge in the right direction. Perhaps, a vision. Maybe even a game-plan. Or, like, maybe, you just need us…and our unsolicited words of wisdom.

Mian Saab Caricature Image Credit: http://www.indiandefensenews.in/2016/02/defence-expert-calls-sharif-rubber.html
Trump Caricature Image Credit: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3311169/posts

Come on, man, Modi popped in to split some birthday rotis. According to Maryam, that’s what the youths would call “killing it,” so, really, saving that sinking ship you call your country should be a cakewalk for us. 

Just don’t tell the Saudis about our little helping-hand arrangement. That Hajj Tent is sweeeeet!

By the way, before we really get down to it, you should know that tough times mean you’ll have to answer some tough questions — like the ones that crazy  conspiracy theorist, Jibran Nasir, never stops asking us. Annoying git — so you might want to ask your toupèe-touting Mirinda Man to hire a new speechwriter to toss the word salads he’s been serving up.

Loser, stupid, shut-up, YUGE? You can’t use that kind of vocabulary AND run for president!

Jahil insaan! 

Have you ever heard any kind of foul language on our front?

Khair, let’s start at the beginning, shall we? And by "beginning" we mean your most recent botch-job. And by "most recent botch-job" we obviously mean that whole Tashfeen Malazai fiasco.

First, and, Allah ki kasam, we don't mean to be harsh, it takes a slew of color-blind dum-dums to miss all those red flags, so once the candlelit vigils and change.org petitions die down, you might want to have a word with the Hardy Boys over at Immigration. 

No offense, but bang-up job, bhaiyon.

Letting her into the country? Sloppy. Shooting her dead? Over fourteen people? PMS much? 

We've lost thousands and you don't see us creating a ruckus. 

What ever happened to APC's, and joint committees, and taking notice, and demanding immediate and in-depth investigative reports? What ever happened to shadeed muzammat and tashfeesh? Whatever happened to due process?

This is the 21st century, gentlemen. Not the Alamo.

Apprehend the suspect, at a leisurely pace. Because even though dozens of people witnessed him pump bullets into the Governor in broad daylight, it still doesn’t determine guilt, you know? We leave the hisaab-kitaab to Allah Mian, in these parts. 

Phir bhee, if you want to contain “public outrage”, teeli-tappa is important, so proceed to take the case to low-level courts, allowing lawyers and loyalists to shower the villain with rose petals and sloppy kisses. Lock that badass away at a minimum-security facility to live out the rest of those years in isolation — except when those hordes of village women pop up to seek the mischief-maker's holy blessings, spiritual guidance, and exorcisms. 

We'd put an end to that drudgery, but religious discrimination is unconstitutional in these parts.

Still. No air-conditioning. Or Netflix.

Ultimately, you’ll have to hand down a death sentence but, no rush. Take your time with that warrant. And when you do finally execute the bugger…it’s all good in the neighborhood, na?

Dekho jee, that is justice. That is how you get things done. That is how you kill extremism.

Pakistani Flag Tiger Image Credit: http://xoomclips.com/more_clip.php?id=TbxGDsyDdSg

Of course, for such justice to prevail, you need to put your best men on the job. Great men willing to make great sacrifices. Men of unshakable faith and morals. Men who are experts in their field. Men like our 17-year-old soil-serving crusader who masterfully suppressed all raging pubescent urges to single-handedly track down hundreds of thousands of porn sites for us to ban. Thanks to him, so far, there has been a 250% decline in sexual desire and activity amongst the general population. 

That, gentlemen, is grit. That is determination. That is one very strong forearm. And those 64 boxes of double-ply tissue? Worth every paisa.

Seriously, do you know why we don't have ISIS in our country like you do, America? Do you know why we don't have rabid religious fanatics running their rackets right under the nose of the entire state machinery? Do you know why our children don't wind up dead in mass shootings? Do you know why high-profile kidnappings don’t happen here?

Because we don't waste time building walls, dammit! 

We don't lounge around twiddling our thumbs, sipping chai and eating patties. We monitor security threats with eagle-eyed diligence. Our intelligence is timely and conclusive.We clearly distinguish between the good guys and the dirtbags. And we religiously watch Homeland, for Kaddu Sharif's sake!

We’re safe because our classified internal memos don’t read like, 

“Oh my God, Becky! Dramaaaaa. Okay, so don't tell anyone I told you, but someone I know, and no, I can't say who, because I promised, okay fine, it's Sunil from tech, you know Sunil, right, so, yeah, like, last night he was bored so he tapped into Haqqani's phone. What a loser, right? Anyways, so Haqqani was talking to that one-eyed guy, isn't he sooooo creepy, and he was all like, ‘Yeah, no, I know, but why would the new girl lie?’  So cyclops was like, "Because that's what women do, they lie." What a pig, right? So basically, there’s this new chick in suicide training at Al-Qaeda and she leaked that Al-Q thinks ISIS has no chill. Buuuuurrrrnn! So, anyways, Sunil and I are heading out for happy hour around two-fifteen-ish and then we're coming back here later tonight to tap in again. You're coming with us. Bye, sluuuut.”

We can sleep with both eyes and ears closed because we have a powerful and totally independent regulatory body closely monitoring the media, ensuring those anchors don't get all loosey-goosey with the facts, Allowing criminals and their extreme views national air-time? Not a chance.

Playing on the public's fears and insecurities isn't kosher, gentlemen. It's what got you into a trillion dollar mess in the first place. And it could very well be the reason you might end up with another alarmingly inept joker in the Oval Office. 

Really, just grow a pair and tell your boy, T, hate-speech has no place in a civilized society, like ours.

Uffff, seriously, this is so haaaaard. 

We hate kicking you when you're down, yaar. Except right now.  When you're knee-deep in dung. This is fun. This makes us feel pure and righteous, the way Allah Mian ordained it to be. 

Ab chalo, shabash, dig yourself out of this steaming pile of poo.

You’ll have to put your money where your mouth is — unless you have an off-shore account, in which case, we’d stash the cash there. LOL,kidding. who does that, right?

Asal mein, though, are you prepared for a seismic shift in your national narrative? Are you prepared to embrace diversity, treat minorities and the underprivileged with respect, and give  them unfettered access to poverty-line wages and a life of indignity? And in the event of a false blasphemy accusations and lynchings, can you pull off pretending to care by sending cheap gifts to the bereaved relatives on Christmas?

Think about it.

Meanwhile,  thanks to our infallible leadership, we’ve got answers to all these questions and the ones you never asked. 

Dekho, jaani, baat yeh hai ke real statesmen have their saalan-smeared fingers on the pulse of their nation, a cosmic understanding of the human condition, and an elite team of professionals stalkers to keep tabs on you guys 24/7. It is with this divine sorcery that we have determined what disenfranchised Americans really want and need. And, surprise! It’s precisely what we've been giving hopeless, downtrodden Pakistanis for decades; an education. A stepping stone towards a brighter future. An opportunity to learn valuable lessons about peace, pluralism, and the proper way to handle an assault weapon.

Easy, na?

Baaki, just, like, get your head in the game.

Listen to your people. Give them a path to follow. Build them roads to a respectable life.

Open up avenues of opportunity. Provide signal-free corridors to success. Show them the underpasses to upward mobility. Help them climb aboard a metro to a better tomorrow.

 Unless you’re up for a being trumped by, well, we really don’t have to say it, do we?

Challo, we gotta jet. Nihari's getting cold, Chotay Mian is whining about a cramped index finger, and Baray Mian just saw his hotline bling and that can only mean one thing; cat gifs from China! Don't wanna keep bae waiting. So, yeah, good talk and lots of love and luck in all your future fumbles. And from the deepest depths of our hearts, lakh laanat!

Yours Forever, Sometimes, Maybe,

Nawazoo, Shahbazoo, and the Gang of Dhokay-bazoos ” 

And, with a final flourish, they gingerly slipped the love-note into a desi-ghee scented envelope, licked the sajji-flavored glue, sealed it shut, and promptly submitted it to Parliament for proofreading. And, at last, they sat down to dinner.

The End

UPDATE November 9, 2016: Fittay moo, America!